The Archbishop of Canterbury Reflects on Public Figures
Waking with a severe hangover that forces me to drink an entire fish tank of water, including the fish carrying vital fluids, I contemplate the past week’s events.
Confession with Keir Starmer
Having previously given confession to Tony Blair as an ecumenical experiment, I was approached by Keir Starmer’s office, requesting the same opportunity. I consented, and the prime minister knelt in the confessional box, separated from me by gauze.
“Bless me, Archbishop, for I have sinned. I confess that in the grandeur of high office, I refer too infrequently to my humble origins. My father, for example, was a toolmaker.”
I interrupted sharply: “No, he owned the factory and ordered others to make the tools, but carry on.”
“Er, my other sin is that I am sometimes too focused on delivery — delivery for British families and workers. This is my confession.”
I laughed and challenged him: “What about lying your way to the leadership of the Labour party, currying favor with Donald Trump, performing nationalistic displays, and supporting a genocide? Say two Hail Marys and throw yourself into a septic tank full of boiling goat’s semen, you utter cunt!” Then I blessed and dismissed him.
Light Moments Following Reflection
Trying to clear my mind, I had a light breakfast while reading a periodical. I learned that Ricky Gervais released mock adverts for his vodka brand after Transport For London rejected his original ideas.
Author's Summary
The Archbishop shares a candid, irreverent reflection on confession with political figures and comments on recent cultural events.